Lately I’ve been feeling it. Hard.
This morning I walked into my room no fewer than 3 times, only to stop inside the door…what was it indeed I had come for? Where would I find it? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…unsettling as it was, there is a lesson to be learnt.
What did I need to do to quieten that gnawing feeling inside my stomach that threatened to spill out?
Last night I stood in the centre of the room, taking all the chaos in – and not a moment before time. Given how much my world has shifted in the last month it was bound to catch up with me eventually.
I had thought that when the last box was unpacked I would settle. That when I walked around my new neighbourhood I would grow more comfortable. Or as I spent quality time with family and friends in Melbourne I would be filling my life with the balance and contentment I have always strived for. I figured now a few weeks in my new job, I’d start to see why I chose to leave the last adventure behind and return to physio for the next chapter.
But there it was again. The shadow had reared itself up and cast across me. The doubts crept in at night when I lay my head on the pillow, exhausted by having more time free than I was used to.
There was a heavy empty space that lingered, where one thing had ended and another just begun.
The “shoulds” and “coulds” had returned to my vocabulary.
My creative outlets – writing, singing, creating – all dried up.
The more I fought to fill my time with people and places, the more I felt alone and stuck in a fast-moving world.
Paralysed, struck with fear that glued my feet firmly to the floor, unable to fathom the next step forward. The to-do lists in my head grew…I was stuck wanting to and wanting not to all at the same time, with such fierce conviction that sometimes it took all my energy just to breathe.
I thought making the choice would be the hardest part.
I figured saying goodbye to what I had out-grown was tough enough, but I was wrong.
It’s finding the next thing, searching for the next hand hold or stepping stone.
Looking out into the unknown with a plethora of opportunities in front of me has freaked the hell out of me.
Ironically, it is a circumstance of abundance that has sent me into a tail spin. I’ve always been challenged in life to act rather than just dream – I’m well practiced at procrastinating the days away, worrying myself into inaction as I “think through” the potentials. But this time – the anxiety, the fear, the worry of right versus wrong – have taken over and rendered me a chaotic mess.
Today when it all came to a head, I was floored by the overwhelming desire to curl up under the bed and wish the world away. Hoping that if I screwed my eyes closed tightly enough the chaos would be gone. But instead I put on my shoes, headed out the front door and down the hill. I walked and thought and walked and thought some more.
My eyes let tears spill over – from emotion or the gale force winds blowing in my face, it didn’t matter.
Slowly the knot loosened in my stomach, my breathing deepened and the shadow lost its grip.
And then I remembered some wisdom from last year:
it is not making the “right” decision that matters, but making one and giving it your 100% effort
We are strange creatures, us humans.
Lessons come from the most unexpected circumstances.