It seems at the moment there are days when life rolls on quietly and sweetly.
And then there are days where progress is slow…like wading into untested flood waters. You go in further, the waters rise and the currents grow stronger. You become unsure of the safety of your next step, working hard just to keep balanced. At the moment for me, there are days – even weeks – where I have sat pondering what next. Where to? What for? And why? But most of all how do I get to where I want to be? And where exactly do I want to be……???
In this state, just the simplest of things leave you stuck with more questions than answers.
Whether it’s the stars, the moon, the season or the time change lately I’ve been left to wonder and wander. It seems that the faster I try to move, the more overwhelmed and out of control I feel. The edges of my world become blurred, my focus of gone. Things are left to pile up – washing, dishes, unread emails and books. I stop doing the things I enjoy, like craft, creating, music and cooking. My mind begins to race, looking for answers and solutions.
And once I feel overwhelmed like this my go-to reaction (head) kicks in to hyper drive to bring things under “control”. The more I have pushed to right myself lately, the further I have fallen out of kilter.
LESSON ONE: Don’t keep pushing. Something will eventually breakdown, and probably you – not the things you’re fighting. Just coz it worked in the past, doesn’t mean it is right for now. The resistance, that ucky feeling is your subconscious telling to stop.
Usually my motto is seek first to understand and control everything….then to make a decision and react. Only problem with that is there is no way to control the unpredictable events of life….there’s no pause button, no rewind. No way to crop the unpleasant things out of sight, brighten the colour palate and sharpen the focus. There is no way I could foresee where each turn in my life would take me in the past – that power belongs to hindsight. The only way is to dive deeper into the present murky waters and uncover what is sitting just below.
LESSON TWO: Sit in that uncomfortable-ness a while. It means you are close to a breakthrough.
You know, the diamonds come from rocks under pressure story, or the fact that there is no transformation for a caterpillar without the time spent in a tight cocoon. Or a snake before shedding it’s skin – it feels and looks like shite.
So yesterday I sat. When every ounce of my body told me to run and run I sat in the feeling. I pondered not longing for answers to the hard questions, but what it would take to get me back to just being. I realised how possible it was to over-think the smallest of things – to go round and round in circles until my body and my brain hurt. Lately at the days’ end, I can’t even remember what I woke that morning unsure of.
The major thing that always sends me on this cerebral (not so) merry-go-round is the options that lie in front of me. How do I know which one I should take?? What will other people think? What if I get it wrong???
I sat on a rock in the middle of a goat field. I watched and observed around me as the autumn sun set behind the mountain. I closed my eyes and mentally released all worry and expectation about the future. I stopped looking for “where to next” and accepted that right now I was in the best place I needed to be.
LESSON THREE: ACCEPTANCE; letting go of what I have outgrown is the only way I can make room for new adventures, new projects and new loves. It came up on Instagram the other day and floored me straight away……
if you can’t make space for what you love, why would it manifest into your life?? -Amir Zoghi
And this lead me to the big one: I realised I really didn’t want all the answers to life (where’s the fun in living with no surprises!?). I didn’t need to have things in “proper order” before I would know which path to chose. There was not going to be a perfect time to act. Nor was there ever going to be fun to be had in being Perfect.
LESSON FOUR: There is no “right” choice. Giving a myriad of options for my life lately, I have come to accept that I cannot go wrong with whichever one I choose. The main thing that will affect the outcome is action and giving it 100%.
So today, I rose early and walked. I watched the goats run, playing on the rocks and trees. I sat mindfully on that same rock and reaffirmed what I felt yesterday.
I ate mindfully, I read, I knitted and I drank coffee.
It’s a brave new world…here’s to wading through the waters.